during the month of october, lelly's SPT challenge is to elborate on our 100 things about me list, today is #7. (if you want to see my list, there's a link to it on my side bar). i wrote out my list a long time ago to try to jump start my blog, it's appropriate now i guess that i examine it a little closer. i'll be honest, #7 is kind of a tough place to start, "i wish my husband would agree to having another baby", is sort of a can of worms that leaves me feeling torn between diving all the way in, or just skimming the surface...i've been sitting at the keyboard now for several minutes trying to simplify the whole thing: my feelings, rich's feelings, depression and trying to fill the hole in my soul with food, guilt over feeling sad about it because i'm so blessed have four other beautiful children that i adore, feeding the guilt with more food, my obsession with odd numbers, letting go of my own plan and embracing god's plan instead, worrying about ethan being a loner, anger, feeling spiritualy, emotionally & physically 'stuck' and unsure, etc. so much could be said about each of these things, it's just so complicated, so gray where i prefer more black and white. most days i feel really ok about calling our family complete. some days it feels more like denial. the bottom line is that i haven't yet come full circle, i'm still healing, still figuring out what i'm supposed to be learning from this life experience. so far: enjoying the moment, gratitude for my family and blessings, and especially, empathy. so even though i have moments that are still tough, there is light at the end of this tunnel where for a long time there wasn't, and so, life. is. good. really. i mean, look how lucky i am!
**will you go to lelly's blog and take this SPT challenge?**
**are you striving for contentment?**
27 comments:
You have shared a lot of deep feelings.
My home was the opposite. My husband would have loved to have lots of children. I was not.
It is funny, how our body and spirit whisper different things to us.
Have a fantastic day, and thanks for sharing.
another SPTer
This was such an emotional post for you I'm sure...thank you for sharing it.
You have a beautiful family Wende! I have 2 children and now that they are grown I truly wish I had had more. I was basically raising my kids alone because my husband worked a zillion hours and I didn't want more work for myself. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. Either way, God had a plan and knew 2 would be my number...and he knows if there will be a #5 for you!
i think you're awesome for being so honest and open in your list, and then explaining such a deeply seated issues further in this blog post.
letting go and accepting the Lord's plan is so difficult. i feel that's especially so when what we want is a completely righteous desire -- in your case, wanting to raise another righteous child. it's so difficult to swallow sometimes, so it's a good thing we know all blessings will be given to us at some point in our life (mortal or eternal).
i love how you found a perfect way to "skim the surface," yet touch on all of the important details.
i often challenge myself about having one child. many times that i boldly stated our family was COMPLETE, it did feel like denial. or rationalization. i hadn't though about that 'til i read it here.
i know how much (probably not all) this issue means to you and what a can of worms it really is and i think that you are AMAZING! it's easy to know and say what we should do, but it's another to actually do them! it's okay to be "in the middle" of that, still trying to complete the circle, and that's okay. you are so blessed, you know that...so thanks for teaching me even more about you!
That is a very emotional topic. I think your summary sums it up very nicely about how much goes in to decisions like that.
I am definitely still striving for contentment, in most ways. This is a very emotional decision to make, especially when trying to please two people. I wish contentment for you!
I love your thoughts. Thanks for sharing today! I wish you the best of luck in this major decision that will take all THREE of you. You, your husband, and the Lord! If you both let Him in, then the answer will come. we have been thinking the same things at our house.....
My husband and I have 2, a 9 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy...the spacing was not on purpose! It took 3 yrs to get pregnant with my son. We half jokingly said once I reach 34 we were done trying. Well 3 weeks ago I hit 34 and no pregnancy! My husband and I have talked about it and he says he is done trying and doesn't think he has the energy for anymore. I am having a hard time with this. I don't feel like 2 kids is a 'family.' I hate having 2 ONLY children! I wish I could get pregnant easily like others but I guess this is my challenge Heavenly Father has give me. I don't know why and I keep praying to know why and if we are really done. I have yet to get an answer to which I get more frustrated about! Its all so hard!
wow- 9 comments- you really stirred up some emotions with this spt...
which means- we all get it-
You are not alone :)
I feel for you wende, & I want you to know I think you are wonderful. You are a wonderful friend, wife & mother, this I know!
I hope you find peace in your quest. I hope we all do.
Wow...way to start off this spt! So deep with emotion and this struggle that I understand a little bit of too! I am so lucky to be blessed with 4 beautiful children, but continue to be nagged about that 5th (and final) that could be out there waiting...silly, as I most definitely could have stopped at two...turn your trust to Heavenly Father and put your faith in Him who knows your plan and purpose! You are awesome and I so appreciate your thoughts! I'm private, but I'll share courtneymilius@hotmail.com :)
What a deep #7. But I understand, it's a hard decision.
Life is so hard.....we think our lives should be or go one way but the Lord always has surprises for us. I think part of life is coming to terms with these things and finding the peace. I hope you can find your peace. You are in thoughts and prayers. Love ya!!!
Wende I am having a hard time typing a comment through my tears. Your family is beautiful and you are very lucky!
See I was so emotional I left my comment twice.
A first time to your blog and what a beautiful heartfelt post this is. I am a mother of twin girls. They are adopted and we have beens struggling with issues of infertility. It is hard when you feel that your family isn't quite finsihed yet. Your post was very moving, thanks for sharing my dear. Love, Michelle @ a happy heart.
I tell you, I have schemed and planned ways to trick Dan into another baby but I know in the end someday I would let it slip and he would be so angry. What could he do, the kid would be here already... I love you and hope that the two of you can come to an agreement!
Hope you find peace. It is so hard when husband and wife don't agree on basic aspects of their family.
Thanks for sharing. You have a beautiful family.
Bless you in your journey. It's so tough when we can't have the righteous desires of our hearts.
we all have discontentment with something in our lives that leaves a hole. you do have a beautiful family and how beautifuly you capture them with your lens..
I appreciate your post and your willingness to discuss such a deep matter. I'm the opposite right now. I don't want to get pregnant again and I don't think I can handle more, but my husband wants more and I know I'm supposed to have more, but I'm in denial and am just avoiding the whole subject. My baby is turning 2 next month, so I need to start thinking about #4 seriously.
Wende~ beautiful post. You said it all so perfectly. Thanks for sharing. It is hard to find peace with this situation. I totally relate and i think you are right, it takes time to come full circle with certain issues in our lives.
Again, a wonderful post, i can see why you got all the comments.
What a great post! I think it's your heartfelt honesty and willingness to share your feelings that makes you such a wonderful person. Thanks for sharing, and I secretly really hope Rich will give in... you're such an awesome mom, you should have like 10 kids!
This is a beautiful post, Wende. So open, so honest. I struggled with these exact same feelings for years. I finally talked Marc into having another baby (Eva), but sometimes I still feel like he feels swindled. And even though he loves her, the whole thing is just hard for him. And me. Sometimes I wish I could have another, but obviously that is not an option! I hope you can find peace and contentment on this issue.
Wende,
I think it's amazing how much we are alike in so many different ways. No wonder were related. It's Jackie's fault. :) I miss her so much. :( I was just thinking about her the other day. I love it when a family member from the other side of the veil just "comes to you". Love it! Anyway, more babies.....oh my. I am much older than you, but the feeling has NEVER gone away & my husband feels the same as yours. It's what brought foster children to my home. Maybe that's a thought for you.
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