i would like to preface this by saying it is late in the night and i can't sleep and sometimes these late night ramblings can get out of control. so, consider yourself warned! i was going through some old photos of mine, you know the ones in the box that you hardly ever look at. why is that? maybe because they're sort of ridiculous, prom hair and dresses that make me cringe, not to mention the prom date's hair! yikes! i wouldn't go back to high school if you paid me!while rumaging around in the old photo box i came across this beauty. i think this picture is only about 9 or 10 years ago when rich and i were dating but it feels a million miles away from where i am now. we used to take the kids to the park on sundays and i brought my camera a lot - imagine that. rich secretly got a hold of the camera, got the shot all ready and then called, "hey wende", hence the "huh?" look on my face as he snaped this photo of me. he told me at the time that it was one of his favorite photos of me because it was so candid. i can almost guarantee that he doesn't remember even taking this photo now, but that's another story.
so i'm looking at this photo thinking, "who is this girl?" she's so young, and content and THIN but she shouldn't be because besides being in love with rich, it wasn't that easy of a time. how was i keeping it all together and finding so much joy in every day? i remember having real joy, especially in my children who were so little and so much work and i was single. how did i make it all work? now when everything is great in my life, and i mean, really great, i struggle so much with finding that contentment, or joy in the every day things.
for about a month now, maybe more, i feel sort of edgy, not like irritable or anxious necessarily, but really like i'm on the edge of something, trying to keep my footing steady. feeling like i'm on the edge of a very pivitol year for me, for my life, i can feel the changing coming and i'm a little nervous but excited sorta. it almost feels make it or break it even though i'm sure it's probably not that dramatic. i'm just struggling so much lately being motivated, to do anything that isn't really required, and i HATE that feeling but not enough to break the laziness momentum. i don't know that i would trade places with the girl in the photograph, not today anyway, but i do wish i could remember her joy secret. i just remember feeling so good, so energized, so full of life every day but i shouldn't have because i was also completely exhausted!
maybe its the snow right? winter blues are normal? i warned you that it's late at night and i'm kind of tired, even a little loopey from the tylenol pm starting to finally kick in. but this photograph sort of through me a little and this blog of mine wouldn't be an honest look at me without at least exploring this anxiety. good for you for making it this far!
